Cranky Monkey

"Mr. Chartrand! I've got something for you!" said the representative from the 40+ year-old Sport class race in Quantico Virginia. "This is from almost all of us."


"Oh thanks," I said as he handed me my ass.











Two 9.5 mile laps of a mountain bike race on the Marine base. You know, the place where Jodie Foster is jogging at the beginning of Silence of the Lambs. The course was hard-packed sand with plenty of climbing (suspiciously it also had plenty of descending and some flats), ample obstacles and, in my age group, 25 guys faster than me and four slower.


The air was hot that day my friends. I was sweating like an idiot in a spelling bee. Eighty-five plus and humid. It was like breathing broth.


On the first climb of the day I was Icarus. My waxed-feathered wings melted and I was tumbling as some speedy-guys from the wave behind me passed (I think one guy was on a single-speed recumbant). Looking around I noticed I wasn't appreciably closer to the sun than anyone else so I pedaled onward.

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, or a MTB race. Although sober I felt it would be in my best interest to avoid heat stroke so eight miles into my 19-mile race I decided I would DNF; I would slink off unnoticed to a shady spot under a tree and near the food...if anyone asked I would complain of some mechanical issue, "damn kanootin valve blew again!" and throw my bike down in disgust as I ate my entry fee in pizza.

I rounded the turn towards the end of lap one and Kitima, Mike, Erika, Marian, and little Fabiola were cheering me on, encouraging me to "race the next lap" since I'd apparently gone so slow the first time that everyone noticed (Yeah well those four guys behind me in my age group noticed my dust!). I stopped, muttered about it being hot (what a sterling wit am I!) and soldiered on.

The rest of the race was uneventful, excepting the man who stunk of rotten curry. He was a bit of consolation though as I caught him from an earlier wave...I think he must of flatted twice.

I was racing with Rolando who started two minutes ahead of me. I thought I saw him on the first lap but after checking the race splits it must have been a mirage...the Mirage del Magnifico!

Next up: Suicide Six relay with Kitima.