Sending a Message

When I found out that every five minutes someone is diagnosed as a Drunken Party Whore (DPW Syndrome) I knew I had to raise awareness. But how? How could I, one person, help in this monumental task? Then it hit me like the credit card bill the month after signing up for Ironman--I could get sponsors for IM Canada in the effort to eradicate DPW Syndrome. You, my dupes, err, donors, would give me money, lots and lots of money. Twenty cents on the dollar would go to the Help Find A Cure For DPW Syndrome Right Away People(or HFACFDPWSRAP for short). The other eighty cents would sponsor me and my new carbon bike and race wheels, I mean, would help send a message to all the participants and spectators at IM Canada '09 that DPWS must be stopped in our lifetime. It doesn't just strike the "lower people", no sir, that's George W's daughter in that picture above. If it can happen to her...

Between now and through IMCAN I intend on wearing the symbol of HFACFDPWSRAP--a red drink stirrer/straw twisted to look like those ribbons of other fine fights against, you know, whatever. I will wear it proudly on my training gear and on my race kit in Penticton. With a donation you will receive one to wear proudly. I will also only accept drinks at aid stations from my special red plastic cups that you normally get at the local keg party.

DPWS afflicts millions of women between the ages of 18-30ish. Although the "W" in Whore isn't gender-specific no men have ever come forward seeking help from the People. There isn't a cure but the disease can be managed through copious use of Advil, RU-486, Aciclovir, gynecologic visits, emergency room stomach-pumpings, and orders of protection against certain "hookups" that just won't stop calling. A booklet is also being published to give tips on how best to complete the morning after "walk of shame". These things, like my trip to British Columbia, cost money.

For your generous donation you will feel like you are really making a difference. You will feel like you're a people-helper. You will be giving back to the community you've stolen so much from and you'll really be taking it to the next level and stuff. You will feel so much better than everyone else you just might go out and buy a Prius or what-have-you. If you feel that way for sponsoring me, just think how self-absorbed, self-satisfied and self-indulgent I'll be and whatnot. Does Spiuk make an aero helmet in XXXL?

I called the national spokesperson for HFACFDPWSRAP Anita Hardman who is herself struggling with the disease. After admonishing me for talking too loud on the phone and calling before noon and waking her up she had this to say, "We'll be happy to sponsor you if you'll just stop shouting into the phone...mama's got a headache sweetheart...man I could use an eye-opener. We'll even bus up some people currently suffering from DPW Syndrome to cheer you on at your event. Mind you, they won't get there until after they get up, around the crack of one p.m. but you'll really see and feel their pain at the bar later when they are doing jelly shots off each others' stomachs and making out with each other while drunken meat heads shout and drool. It'll rip your heart out."

Miss Hardman assures me that even four dollars a week is enough to give taxi fare to a young lady that wakes up after a night of partying and can't quite remember where her car is.

So please help sponsor me. It's for a great cause.